Off and On Your Own

My little cousin is graduating tomorrow, making me remember all that eighteen brings.  For you, miss Olivia...

Once, I was not as happy as I am now. Once, I did not have a husband who loved me or a child to cherish. Once I hadn't found heart in my work. Once, I was quite young and very, quite, alone.

It's not that I didn't have a family, I did. It's not that I didn't have friends, I did. But when you cross through that magic gate of eighteen, it's not the same. Like that awesome (?) Britney Spears song, you're not a girl, not yet a woman. And it is that in between time that is so hard.

But what you have is yourself. And that's an asset worth more than diamonds and rubies.

And this is YOUR time. Your time to be selfish and to treat yourself so good. Because in a sense you are all you have. And trust me, that's not a bad thing. Focus darling. This is the best time to really find yourself. You're not quite who you want to be and that's okay. You've got time girl. Time to try on your dreams and see what fits best. You'll think that when one dream isn't working out the world has stopped, but there is a new dream around the corner, I promise.

Everything is changing, you really want something to stay the same. Okay, you really need something to stay the same, some sort of home base. You might have that, or you might not. I didn't. There wasn't anything to come back to when I jumped off my home diving board. But that wasn't all negative; I didn't have any choice but to succeed on my own. And guess what?   I did. You can too.

I spent a lot of time on my own. I went to a school where I knew no one. I wasn't the brightest, most popular star, I had my own soft glow and it took a while to find my constellation. At college, I sat in the stacks, reading big art books and deep, dark books on religion. I ate in the cafeteria by myself, people watching. I took very long walks in all kinds of weather and sat in funny cafes with my notebooks and a pen. I started choosing classes because I liked them not because I needed them and I started finding the roots of my grown up self. Slowly, I found myself pockets of new friends. Friends who were very, very different than me on the outside but the same at the core and so very interesting.

I grew away from some of my old friends. Most times, we were just headed in different directions, still friendly but living in separate worlds. Sometimes, I plain outgrew people. Some of them caught up, some of them are still living the very same lives.

Your world is getting bigger. There were times when I felt like my head and my heart couldn't fit everything I was learning all at once. But it was a good hurt, an exciting hurt. New realizations of what life really meant hit me a few times a day. Ping! Growing up is just that: growth. And growth hurts like a charlie horse but brings so much good also.

You have no idea what strength and possibility lie within. Trust yourself, put yourself out there. Hurt when hurt comes. Feel it, embrace it and use the pain to propel yourself forward. Accept that there will be times when you don't know what to do and that's okay. Something will happen. Sometimes you'll make it happen and sometimes you'll have to ride it out like a rogue wave and wait for the tide to push you back in.

You'll do good things, true things,  if you stick it out, follow your heart and trust yourself.  Like Dr. Seuss says, oh so truly: "Oh the places you will go!"  Work your ass off.  There's no substitute and it will make you sad when you realize you could be living your goals now if you had put in the work then.

Learn everything you can possibly learn, soak it in.  You don't know what will come in handy some day, and the stretching is good for your brain.  There is so much world out there.  You can't know what kind of passion you might stumble onto.  Bliss could be around any corner.

Forgive yourself.  You're going to say stupid things, hurt people you love, love people who hurt you, walk away from really good things that won't come around again.  But it will be okay.  We all do it, and we all make it through, like torn muscle fibers after a good work out that heal back stronger.  Don't be afraid to say you're sorry or to tell someone you love them.  It's always the right thing to do.  But only say it if you mean it. 

And the most important advice I can think of?  No matter what, keep going.  Keep moving, keep growing.  It's always worth it.  I can't wait to see the places you will go.