Love & Light

So friends,

I finally did it.  I split my blog into two.  I want a safer place to record my girl's growing up.  One where I could put everything down and it wouldn't come back to haunt them when their high school friends Google them someday.  And also a place I can treat as a scrap book and not worry about it boring people who don't know and love my girls.  So I made my old blog private.  If you know me personally or are a long time reader or blogging friend and I haven't added you to the access list, hit me up for the web address.

So what am I going to do here?  Oh, that's a good question.

I guess we'll have to keep our fingers crossed and hope it's good.

I've been decision making lately.  2014 was an, ugh, I don't even know where to start sort of year.  Can I just put it out there without explanation and say it was one of my toughest personal years ever?  I think I'm almost ready to talk it out, mostly because I know I'm not alone in these experiences and knowing we're not alone and that there's hope is one of the great accomplishments of this Internet connected world.

And mixed into this hard, hard year was one of the best opportunities.  I almost said no to it, too.  I accepted a position with my church this spring and it's been life giving, soul stretching, wrenching and some of the best work I've ever been honored with.

I didn't expect that.

Several months ago I was driving in the rain.  Rain pouring from the sky and tears sliding down my cheek.  I was churning thoughts like a drill through gravel, feeling down about some things that had gone wrong and yet feeling grateful for what I've been given.  Is it strange that when you achieve a goal, there's a let down?  I have a beautiful family,  I only leave my girls to work when I want to...and yet and yet.  I found myself that afternoon feeling empty and wanting something more.  And bear with me ye of little faith, because I would make fun of me too, but I heard a small whispering, not audible but internal.  Do you know?  Have you ever heard that?  Not a dialog of thoughts in my head, but a nudge, something separate from myself.  It said, "What do you want?  Ask me for something."

 Slowly, as my car windshield blurred with raindrops reflecting color from the changing traffic lights, I knew.  I wanted to feel like I was good at something.  I wanted a real work to work on, an accomplishment that satisfies.  And because I believe in a force of love, however you want to define it, I asked.

This work is really hard.  For me, it's really hard anyhow.  I find it strange that I've jumped into this arena of giving people constant grace at a time when I feel so little for myself.  Probably not a coincidence though.
 I don't know where this leads or how long this part time hourly work/full time soul growth will last in this form.  But I'm happy to have it in my life now.  It's felt very full circle.  I'll tell you that story sometime, too.